Oh, forreal?

I grew up poor.  Not "OMG, I can't get the new Coach bag--I HATE YOU DADDY!" kind of poor kids from Montgomery County seem to think they are.  No, I'm talking about all 6 of us sharing a three bedroom apartment with this African guy named Joe, kind of poor (That dude used to always smell like Palm Oil.)We lived in apartments until I was about 10 years old.  We finally moved into our house the winter (I think) of my 5th grade year.  My mom was pregnant with my little brother and I think they finally decided we needed to establish some roots.  This was also the year my dad finally got rid of the Zephyr and upgraded to a (then) top of the line Dodge Caravan.

Anywho, before our ascent to middle class, my mom was steady trying to make a dollar out of 15 cents.  She and my dad had to feed and clothe all of us on a pretty tight budget.  I was no stranger to Ames, KMart, and yard sales.OMG my mom LOVED a yard sale back in the day.  Nowadays, Mrs. Cadillac Escalade wouldn't be caught dead picking though some soccer mom's piles of crap.

We also knew the inside of Payless pretty freakin well.  As any poor person will tell you, Payless is where you go when you have to cover 4 pairs of constantly growing feet.  Until we were old enough to know how wack it was, we would routinely hit up payless for all of our shoe needs.  To this day, I vividly remember my hot pink hi-top Pro Wings that I got when I was like 5 or 6.  And I have possibly the worst memory known to man.  But I loved those shoes, and I think my mom loved that they cost like $7.99.

As a Bougie adult, however, I've sworn off Payless shoes.  I convinced myself the corns formed from Payless shoes were a fate worse than death.  I've blamed my flat footedness on the lack of support in those shoes.  Lol..I hit a point where I absolutely refused to set foot in that store.  Maybe they take me back to government cheese and disgusting shredded chicken in a can.  But I swore up and down that I'd rather have the "designer" shoes from Marshalls than ever be seen in the poorly constructed heels found in Payless.  And off with your head if you even THINK of recommending BareFeet Shoes to this bougie princess.  The nerve!

What that really means is "I'll wear Payless shoes as long as they don't look TOO cheap and they don't hurt my feet."  Because really, who can say no to a pair of gladiator sandals for $9.00?

So, I found myself at Payless this past Saturday.  I figured, it's been long enough since I've been, maybe they've had some wise awakening and their heels will no longer aggravate my corns or torture my baby toes.  I'm extremely broke as of late--tons of drunken nights have consumed my drinking budget (don't judge) and have spilled over into my regular budget. 

Anywho, imagine my surprise when I walk in that store and I see these teal creations staring back at me:   Oh, okay Payless.  I see you trying to revamp your image.

So I look at the price thinking, I guess they figured out some magic cost effective material that doesn't look like it's going to break during PMS bloat.  I nearly shit a brick when I saw the price tag.  $44.99.

REALLY, PAYLESS!  Are you trying to seriously charge me $44.99 for a pair of sandals?  I'm so disappointed in you.

Now, I'm pretty sure my mom paid a total of $44.99 for all four pairs of our shoes in 1990.  And maybe inflation is to blame for this increase.  But I would be a goddamned fool if I EVER in my life shelled out $44.99 for a pair of Payless sandals.  You got the game fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked up, my friends.  Honestly, I don't think I've EVER paid that much for a pair of sandals.  That doesn't even make sense.  It's less material!

And that's not even the most expensive pair in the joint.  Payless is really smelling itself these days.  These shoes over here will run  you about $69.99.  Now maybe I'm biased because of my prior history with Payless, but I'm not walking in there and dropping $70 on some off brand shoes.  And maybe it's me, but Payless shoes always have that one or two things that completely ruin the shoe.  In the example to the right, I'm completely turned off by that front piece that would cover my toes.  It reminds me too much of the foreign man sandals that my (foreign) people love to break out as soon as we hit 80 degrees.  Also, the shape of the platform reminds me of a Tonka truck and does nothing for this shoe.  It was like they had a great idea at the design meeting, and then ran a little too far with it.

I'm sorry, but if I'm going to drop $70 on a shoe, I need to be confident that I won't be embarrassed by the label.  Could you imagine the horror of someone looking at your "Lower East Side" label and then back at you with the pity face?  No, thank you.

You're messing it up for the rest of us

Read and then let's discuss: http://washingtonexaminer.com/local/crime-punishment/2011/05/woman-sues-strip-club-charging-women-more



Shut up and sit down somewhere!



 Listen, sister.  I completely understand why you'd be angry at yet another instance of peen preference in this male-dominated society of ours.  I TOTALLY get it.  It sucks that we make $.77 to every man's $1.00.  Usually, I'd be right behind you with my bra (the one with the broken wire that stabs my underboob) and a lighter ready to torch some shit.

But, I beg of you.  Find another fight.  Pleeeease, think of the bigger picture.

If you win, this sets the precedent for MEN to turn around and protest LADIES' NIGHTS.  Come on girrrrrrrrrrl.  Think of us broke broads just trying to get in somewhere for free and shake what our mommas gave us to "I'm the SH*T". 


I'm one of those people who doesn't believe in paying a cover.  And I thanked 8 lb 6oz baby Jesus that I was born a (cute) woman because that means I generally don't have to pay for my god-given right to get low.  It's that little bit of silver lining that takes the edge off of childbirth, menstrual cramps, and stiletto hammertoe.  Why are you trying to ruin that for me?


I may get my feminist card revoked, but I don't necessarily hate double standards.  I get that it sucks when you apply one rule to given set of individuals.  I fully embrace the right for a woman to be whoever she wants to be (see, still a feminist).  But, the realist in me says, listen, we already make less money than men.  If we get a little bit of advantage in this cold, cruel world, then yay us!


Let's consider the circumstance here.  Who pays more money at titty bars in the long run?  Guys.  I know plenty of women go to strip clubs now (shout out to Magic City, which I did see the outside of--that story may come later)  and that they do spend money.  Maybe I'm applying too much of myself, but I'm not blowing a paycheck to watch a med student climb some dirty pole and pop her Brazilian in my face.  I'm not deluded in thinking that I'm really going to impress this stripper by my willingness to make it rain.  Maybe I'd pay for a lap dance...maaaaybe.  But men stroll in that establishment ready to drop at least a car note on some lap dances and a trip to the champagne room.  I'm just not doing it.  I'm circling the block for 23 minutes, parallel parking in a shady neighborhood, and taking three shots before I get out of the car.  Then I hand the rest of the bottle to a nearby wino and ask him to watch my car.


Long story short, you're getting $30 out of me--tops.  If that means $20 on admission and $10 on a drink, so be it.  Your tip went toward the rent.  Sorry Nevaeh, take that up with the management.


Sigh, I just wish people would think things through before they started getting all militant.

Is this what's hot in the streets?

I'm sure this has happened to plenty of people.  I refuse to believe I am the first.
I'm out drinking on the Day of Rest with my road dog Kiki. We're enjoying ourselves, sampling new libations, and catching each other up on our lives.


This kind of awkward guy* comes and sits next to me.  Small talk ensues.  He and his friend are chatting us up and I decide I'm interested.  I commence the giggling, and the questions we all ask when we first meet someone.  I return my focus to my homegirl and try to have one or two side conversations every now and then.  It goes well, I think.  As we start the whole "wow, look at the time, we've gotta go" game, I set the trap, expecting him to go "let me get your number so I can call you sometime".


No, no, no, my friends.  We live in a new society.  A post-phone call society.


This man asked if I was on facebook.


*pause for effect*


Really?!?! Is this where we are in 2011?  I told him my security settings were so tight (insert obscene joke here), he couldn't find me, but he should go ahead and request himself from my phone.  I hand over my beloved Crackberry and watch as this man enters his email address into my facebook search bar.  I think I heard the entire bar laugh at my situation.


He accepted my request later that evening (I guess that's the equivalent to waiting a few days after you get someone's number?) and we had the facebook chit chat.


I have to remind myself that he is a little awkward..I have to refine my approach.  Scale back some of this personality.


Who knows..maybe by next week we'll be poking each other (wink, wink).




*Note: I LOVE LOVE LOVE awkward guys.

Celebrity

As I read through my blogs today, I read about Kim K. and Hoops, and a whole bunch of other people who are famous for absolutely nothing other than being themselves.  Huh?  Used to be, you had to be reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally good at something to earn your fame.  Not anymore.

I love it!

I sincerely love that you can do jack shit and still make millions upon millions.  What, you topped off some B-list singer--GIVE THAT GIRL A TV SHOW!  Did you birth a baby with the most adorable laugh in the history of humor?  Put that nonsense on YouTube and let the internets run amok with glee.

Why the hell not?

Listen, acting school is for lames.  You want to see some real drama?  Turn the TV to "Toddlers & Tiaras" and experience humans at their worst.  Who has time to study at the feet of some washed up has been when you can pull out your cell phone and let the world see you in all your average glory?  And then go about your normal ass day doing normal ass shit waiting for the praise of 1 million people who have nothing better to do but watch you talk shit about people, booty pop, and crack jokes (RIP Messy Marvin). 

Even the news outlets are taking note.  You can't watch GMA without watching Chris Cuomo or Juju Chang interview the latest YouTube sensation.  They're always like 2 days late, but I let it slide.  Because, yes, I do want to see what kind of parents spawned the baby who is afraid of sneezes.  I would love to learn more about that chick who taught her dog how to close cabinets.  Call me weird, but that shit fascinates me.  What?! I know grown men who still can't close a freakin' cabinet before they leave the kitchen.

While I will always love my Degrassi, I will also love Antoine Dodson.  Shine a camera on that man and let him do his thing.  He's way more hilarious than "How I Met Your Mother".